“Wait…what?” Doug’s stomach dropped.
“Yeah. Lots of weird feelings right now. Been trying to forget about my past life. So cool on you for exposing it to me in detail again. Then you went through our soul chains though.... Looks like we’ve got some things in common. I’ve thought a lot about what Dale’s soul might be up to. Looks like you're pretty boring without me in your life, as always.” Jane said with a light laugh.
“I’m..D…Doug?” Doug said stupidly.
“You’re Doug, you’re Dale, you’re Pete, and I think I saw Melvin in there too. I know most from doing my own soul-chain review. Did you zone out during orientation? We are souls. We’ve been in orbit of each other for a few millennia.”
“I’m an angel” Doug said even more stupidly.
“You are such a noob!” Jane said with a joking impatience. “Angels are souls ya silly goose. You’re supposed to be partying it up there for a while for being a good lil boy until you hop back in. Just because you are good, doesn’t mean you are perfect. Just because you’re good now, doesn’t mean you always will be. The pendulum swings, we try to polarize the best we can.”
“I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds right. Are we being listened to?” Doug asked.
“Nah, like I said, I am the listener.” Jane said confidently. “Unless one of the executives needs to call one another, we’re clear. They all hate each other so it's actually pretty rare. The place was running like clockwork until you showed up. I heard some pretty wild trash talk. So you’re really here by accident?”
“Yeah, IT did something that pulled me down because I got hit by a train at the same time as a really bad dude. There’s supposed to be some sort of portal or bridge opening in a week that I’m supposed to take to heaven.”
“Oh…” Jane said, a bit disappointed. “Well I guess we have a few days to chat. We’ll see each other again soon enough. I’m sorry I fucked up and landed myself here.”
Doug’s hero complex kicked in. “I can try and get you out of here, or at least a reduced sentence. I’ll get one of those judgement modification forms and talk to Minos.”
Jane snorted. “Doug, I've been here for 343 years, doing this job for half of that. Every angel that comes down here on this exchange program tries right away to free the soul they are bound to, Minos shuts them down, they leave shortly after. I’ve seen it dozens of times.”
Doug wasn’t willing to give up. “Look, I’m still trying to take this all in. I’ve been checked out and treating this like a vacation. If I’m here, I have to try. How could I be happy in Heaven knowing you're suffering?”
“I’m not being burned alive or turned into a tree dude, the Wrath floor is literally just unending team-building games. I did that for a few hundred years, then appealed to Minos during my review cycle for a job in operations which he granted. I guess he had a soft spot for my brand of justice. I spend most of my time reading actually. Same as I did when I was locked up. This floor has access to a pretty extensive cosmicam encyclopedia, though some of the real interesting volumes are missing. I know you’re stubborn and will need to try though. Do you want to be a normal person and just get someone to deliver my paperwork so I don’t have to babysit you on the network while you review my trauma?"
“Uhh sure, who do I need to call for that?” Doug asked.
“Honestly it will be faster if I do it, there’s a few people I know from my wrath days that are in IT department now. I’ll call them, get the paperwork fast-tracked. Don’t spend too much time on this. If this is all the time we have I’d like to make the most of it. Goodbye Dale, sorry! Doug! I promise I won’t do that more than a million more times, bye!”
“Goodbye” Doug said, his mind spinning as he hung up. He bet Minos would be prepared for this if others had tried this before. This wasn’t an easy case either, she had straight up murdered eight people. Maybe he could argue time served on Earth counted here? Maybe argue that in all her other past lives she was a good person, this one was just a fluke? He thought for a while longer, but couldn’t come up with anything better. There was a knock on the door. Doug just yelled “Come in!” from his desk. A demon entered carrying the box of binders with Jane’s life data and the J431 and set it on the already crowded desk, bowed and left.
Seeing as there was no room on the desk, Doug started laying out the binders on the floor. He took some time collecting evidence of her key moments of being a good person in her past life, then grabbed the form along with the letter he had received signed G to boost his confidence.
He left his office and got on the elevator, commanding it to go to the basement. After a short ride, he found himself again in that long hallway, its fluorescent bulbs flickering.
Doug walked down the hall slowly, pausing at the three doors. He intended to go straight to Minos, but seeing the operations door gave him pause. He realized that Minos might give her the same treatment as he did Jack Benhoff, and figured he should warn her. As quiet as he could, he slipped into the operations room. He walked over to Jane’s desk and stood there awkwardly. She looked up at him confused, and then with a bemused tired smile. “The infamous Doug I presume?” She motioned for him to come closer so they could whisper.
“Yes.” Doug said, and held out his hand. Jane rolled her eyes, “No handshakes or hugs down here pal. We’d bounce off like magnets. You really should read that handbook. Sorry to ruin any fantasies you may have been brewing up” She said with a wink.
Doug shot back, “Well I don’t have protection anyways and I don’t think taking the risk to conceive a child within Hell is a good idea, would at very least be a bit rude for the child.” Jane had to conceal a laugh to not draw attention.
“Yeah that sounds like it could have some serious implications. Speaking of serious implications, I know you feel like you have to do this but please don’t get me fired. I have no expectations of getting my sentence reduced, I just don’t want to go back to team building.”
“There’s another thing” Doug warned. “This may require you to go in there and go through a trial. Are you okay with that?” Jane did not look comfortable with that. Doug was thinking about calling it off for her sake. Behind them the door opened, and Minos stepped through it, angry as always. “Of course you're down here. Both of you, in my office now.” He growled, and marched out the door. Jane looked up at Doug with fear in her eyes. “I believe in you” she whispered as she rose up from her seat and walked towards the door. Doug started fumbling with his paperwork on his way over, and put the letter in his coat pocket for safekeeping. It was the only warm thing he’d felt down here.
Doug walked into Minos’s office last. Jane was seated but unshackled, Minos at his desk, staring at Jane. He motioned for Doug to stand next to him. “Unless you're serious about this boneheaded trial.” Minos said dismissively, holding up some paperwork while looking at a confused Doug. “This soul violated policy by making an outbound call and engaging in conversation outside of sanctioned duties. Your outbound call triggered the secondary logs which were just delivered to me. It’s a shame to lose a useful receptionist. Report to Belpha’s office for reassignment. Tell her I’ll be calling her soon with details.” Jane rose to leave, but Doug butted in.
“I want a trial, here is my J431.” He said with pseudo-confidence while presenting the form.
“I am well aware of this soul’s past and progress and will spare the whip. My answer is no. It was no before this violation and it is absolutely no after it. You will wait to be reunited at the conclusion of her sentence like everyone else.” Minos snatched the paper out of Doug’s hand, crumpled it, and lit it on fire. Doug was speechless as Jane slowly walked out of the office. Doug tossed the rest of the documents he had in a trash bin as Minos wiped the embers and ash off his desk. Doug pulled the card out of his pocket and tried to pull some inspiration from it. “You may also leave Doug, you’ve violated no policies, but I wanted to show the consecu….” Minos’s voice trailed off as he looked up at Doug. For the first time, Minos looked nervous.