Doug followed silently behind Minos and Belpha through the endless rows of cubicles as they discussed the situation. Most of the souls kept their heads down in their work. Those who looked up did so only briefly, not daring to give Minos a reason to be angry.
“Minos he needs to sign that handbook ASAP, if he experiences any torment directly or indirectly without a valid waiver it could be all our asses on the line. We could lose the contract outright!” Belpha said nervously.
“I am well aware of that, but we can’t force him to sign anything.” Minos replied.
They reached another elevator, which opened as they approached. A large demon with a pig-like face wearing filthy chef’s whites and smelling of rotting meat was already on it. “What’s all this about Minos?” He asked immediately.
“I will fill you in with all the others Gulandar.” Minos said through gritted teeth as they all crammed into the elevator. As the doors closed, the smells of Belpha and Gulandar mingled together. The odor was foul enough to make Doug’s eyes water.
The doors opened to the conference room. From the pyramid shape of the ceiling, Doug would guess that he was in the tip of the Obelisk. The table in the center was an onyx slab, which hovered without support. At the far end there was an empty black throne. The rest of the seats were simple stone cylinders. There were two already at the table, one a demon impeccably dressed, the other a slug similar to Belpha, but slightly less revolting. Another entity was in the room, they looked like a solid shadow giving off smoke. It moved around the table, straightening the name cards. The shadow popped up when the group entered.
“I’ve got everything required set up Minos, anything else you need? Would you like for me to take notes?” The shadow asked eagerly.
“We will need an additional seat for our guest. After that you may leave.” Minos replied.
“Right away sir!” said the shadow while turning to Doug “What is your name, esteemed guest?”
He answered plainly “Doug”. The shadow went to the end of the table opposite the throne and started muttering incantations. A cylinder began to appear from thin air, and was solid within a few seconds. Doug’s name was carved intricately on the back. Another incantation created a nameplate. “All set sir, does anyone else need anything? Miss Belpha?” Asked the shadow.
“Nothin now hun, please go wait in my office imma need your help after this.” Belpha said. With those instructions, the shadow collapsed in on itself, seemingly imploding into nothingness.
“Take a seat.” Minos said, gesturing to the new cylinder. As he went to the opposite end to sit to the right of the throne, the elevator dinged and more demons and slugs entered the room and took their stations. Only one space remained empty. “Thank you all for your punctuality. As we wait for Acedi, please state your name and title for the benefit of our guest.” The demons started to rise one by one to introduce themselves.
“I am Invidias, responsible for the punishment of Envy. I also run the IT department, sixth floor.” said a shabbily dressed demon. A much better dressed demon next to him rose,
“Hello sir, I am Biasupre, I punish pride and run our Marketing department, fifth floor”
A slug spoke next, “I am Ira, responsible for Wrath, eighth floor.”
The pig-faced demon Doug had ridden the elevator with raised their hand, ”I am Gulandar, I administrate the commissary and kitchen, and punish souls for gluttony. Third floor.”
The demon to Doug’s right spoke next, he was well dressed but coupled it with gaudy jewelry. “I am Ritavas, head of Finance and punishing souls condemned with greed.” The elevator dinged, and the largest of all the slugs started slowly moving out of it and towards the table.
“And now that we have Acedi, head of maintenance and punishment of Sloth, we can begin” Said Minos. “Here’s the situation. Doug here is an Angel, but has somehow ended up here with no knowledge of our own or Heaven’s protocols. If he had deserved punishment this time around he should have been routed there first for halo removal before being cast down. We need to be absolutely sure this is not our fault. Invidias, please tell me you haven’t been ‘optimizing’ the Bardo again without following proper approval and testing protocol.” Doug hadn’t considered that scenario, and began to worry again he was supposed to be here to be punished. Invidias’s eyes were wide, and started rubbing his head as he rose from the table.
“Uhhhh let me make a quick call. Biasupre help me out here and explain this idea of yours”. He turned to the wall where there was a phone line and started speaking quietly into it. Minos looked livid. Biasupre stood and tried to remain a composed salesman. “Ok, so hear me out. We’ve been getting an influx of souls with knowledge of something called ‘AI’, and they claim it can fix all sorts of business problems. We all worked out a sort of ‘soul pre-processor’ system, which can quickly identify and pull out the worst of the worst souls. I’m talking about murderers, rapists, career criminal types. We have those limits cranked up real high while we test it, only a small number of souls have been coming through since we turned it on Monday. I know we skipped forms PCC827, HR9322, and ICMS501, but we couldn’t test it on a simulation! I know you're mad, Minos, but wait till you hear this… these systems take up an inordinate amount of processing power, so we’ve been able to increase the suffering of souls working in intake by 32%, and I stand by it 100%. No way this is our fault.” He finished, boldly knocking the table with his fist.
Invidias turned back to the group with a grim face. “I believe there is an edge-case bug in the pre-processor,” he said. Biasupre sat down and silently stared at his knees. Invidias continued; “From the logs, it looks like Doug here died in extremely close proximity to a particularly bad soul. They died right next to each other, and at the same time. In the pre-processor, instead of each soul’s review paperwork being sent as a whole to one worker for review, their lives are ‘tokenized’ and sent out to a massive workforce who only have to do one small part of the problem. These tokens are then reassembled and average soul quality can be determined quickly. Part of how we organize who is working on whose review is time and location of death. Some of this bad guy's paperwork must have got shuffled in with Doug’s here, and it seems like he was tagged accidentally and pulled down as well.” The room stared at the two, some with anger, some with disbelief.
Minos was shaking with rage. “I need a minute to think how to fix this, and another to decide your fates”. He began pacing behind the throne, muttering to himself. Ritavas took a pack of cigarettes out and lit one with the tip of his finger, shaking his head at the two.
“Can I have one of those?” Doug asked nervously. He had quit smoking a few years ago due to peer pressure, and still missed it. Ritavas handed him the lit stick with a puzzled face and lit another for himself. Doug took a drag and coughed. He should have expected, but it was a horrible quality. Thankfully the buzz still existed down here and he relaxed a bit.
Ritavas took a small device from his pocket, spoke “Cinder” into it, and put it away. The shadow from before reappeared before him. He motioned to the cigarettes. The shadow spoke an incantation, and marble ashtrays appeared in front of Ritavas and Doug. He nodded and waved the shadow away, who once again seemed to implode into a single unseen point in space.
“You two just dumber than a bag o bricks.” Quipped Belpha. “Absolute foolishness. Not once has anything like this happened in all the eons we been doing this. Them forms exist for a reason! Changen the Bardo without correspondence with Heaven… Absolute foolishness” There was a speakerphone in front of the throne, which suddenly started to blink. A chill ran through everyone’s spine. Even Minos’s anger was tempered by fear. He walked briskly over to the phone and pushed a button. “Yes sir?” A cold voice came from the other line “Minos and Doug, stay. Everyone else out.” The group rose from their seats and headed towards the elevator bay. Once they were gone, the voice spoke again. “You have failed me, Minos, for the first time. I have sent word of Doug’s arrival to Heaven. I expect we will have a visitor soon. See to their needs and we will discuss your fate after.” The blinking stopped. Minos grabbed his own communicator and spoke into it. “Angel Response Task Force, report to the main entrance immediately. We will soon have a visitor that will need an escort up to the executive conference room.”
“Finally, someone is coming to save me.” thought Doug, as he took another rip. “Might not be smokes in Heaven so I better enjoy this last one!” It went down a little smoother this time. Minos’s comm spoke to him “Sir it seems as though VOG is already in the building on his way to you, he ignored and bypassed all security.” At that moment the elevator dinged and an Archangel stepped out. Doug turned and saw the divine being, shocked and humbled by its beauty. The tips of his wings towered a foot above his head, framing a strong but kind face. The wavy golden hair matched his gold armor, which was intricately engraved. He also carried a mighty sword unsheathed in his hand. Doug quickly smashed out the cigarette and considered kneeling, but just sat there trying to find words. “Are you here to save me!?” Doug blurted out. Before the angel could answer, Minos interjected bitterly “Voice of God or not, I’d appreciate it if you followed our protocols Michael.”
“I will spend as little time in this wretched place as I need to, Minos.” He calmly stated, then turned to Doug. “I must be brief, as I cannot bear long the suffering within these halls. You are truly here by an unsanctioned modification of the grand cosmic path, and should have rejoined us in the Holiest of Holies upon your bodily demise. Even more unfortunate, I have no way of bringing you back with me currently, as your soul is in too fragile a state for the path I travel. Fortunately, a gateway is already being prepared to be opened in a week's time for an ambassador. With a week's rest, you should be able to make that journey. To best protect yourself against the evils of this place, sign the agreement they have laid out for you. I personally attest to its soundness, I was involved in the negotiation. I also have a letter for you.” Michael handed Doug an envelope, beautifully embossed with a border and his name in gold.
“Who’s the letter from?” Doug asked.
“He whose words I carry, and loathe to utter in the presence of…” Michael said as he gestured with his sword to the empty throne. “Rest, and hold your faith.” An elevator dinged, with the two tall briefcase-toting demons as before on it. Michael turned and started walking towards it. “Wait!” shouted Doug. Michael turned to him. “Can you make sure my dog is taken care of?” Michael smiled and answered “I will personally pass along your prayer to Francis, your pet will go to a good home.” He turned and continued to the elevator. “Main Lobby,” said Deletros, and the doors closed.
Doug sat in silence, and Minos took his seat, rubbing his eyes. “Are you alright?” Doug asked.
“Go back to your office, and sign the damn paperwork.” Minos grumbled.
“I don’t know how to get there…” Doug replied.
“I can’t deal with your ignorance right now, I’ve got enough on my plate.” Minos snapped. He took his communicator out and spoke to it. “Cinder, up here now,” The shadow appeared. “Take Doug to his office”
“Right away sir! Follow me sir!” the shadow replied, and headed for the elevator. Doug followed. Curious if he had the power to control the elevator, he said “Greed” as he stepped on. “Very good sir! You learn quick!”. The elevator began to move. Doug, feeling a bit emboldened from his last interaction, turned to the shadow and simply asked “So uhhh, what are you? Oh sorry, who are you?”
“I’m Cinder sir, the executive team intern. To answer your first question, I’m a jinn, we exist on all planes of existence, have free will, yada yada yada, all in your handbook under Appendix N4.2 ‘Spirit Entities’. I just think this place is neat, and the team is awesome when you get to know them!” The elevator doors opened, and Doug followed Cinder through the maze of cubicles back to his office. He shuffled inside and sat at his desk.
“Anything else I can get you sir?” Cinder asked eagerly.
Doug decided to press his luck given Cinder’s demeanor, “Bottle of scotch and a pack of smokes?” He said with a joking cheeky grin.
“I will do my best!” Cinder exclaimed, and disappeared with a puff. Doug stared at the envelope in his hands for a moment before opening it. He pulled out a card, the back of which was embossed in gold with beautiful geometric designs. The inside simply read:
Doug felt a great wave of comfort as he read it, but it also confused him. Was that advice? A command? A letter salutated and signed with no body? A knock came at the door. “Come in” Doug said, and a demon entered carrying a cafeteria tray with a pint of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes and a box of matches. He set it atop a box on Doug's desk, bowed, and left. Doug put the card on his desk with the words facing him, and reached for the pack of smokes. He took one out, lit it, and pulled a heavy drag. He coughed again after exhaling, but he began to appreciate the harshness of the flavor. “I was told to relax, that’s just what I’m going to do. I’m happy to have a week of vacation even if it is in Hell.” he thought as he grabbed the pint. He took a swig and was happy to find the quality was not on par with the smokes, it was actually quite smooth. It hit hard too, this had to at least be cask strength.
The two employee handbooks were still on his desk. He flipped one open to find a hundred or so pages of tiny font and dense legal language. He flipped to the back where there was a place for his signature. He took another big swig. He was still worried he was being duped or tricked, but he looked at the letter on his desk and felt a courage within himself to sign the paper. After another rip of the dart, wet ink hit the page.